I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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