She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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