I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
