Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
