Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
