i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
