I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
