im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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