I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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