8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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