I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
