Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
