Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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