An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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