I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
