420 ftw
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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