Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
