when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We left the knife in your bed.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
