Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
