would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
