she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
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