I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
