Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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