i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
