I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
