How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
