Please, let me fuck your mom
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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