She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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