My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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