So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Sober January is a disaster.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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