She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
