I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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