after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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