Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
my poor anus
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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