Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
