Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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