I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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