I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
