I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
