I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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