My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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