didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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