I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
