I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
