omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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