Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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