I saw his package. It spoke to me.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize