When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
