NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
