I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
