I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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