she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
