Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
