Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
