You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
