so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize