are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You smell like stripper and shame
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Semen is not good for contacts.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
