remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
