My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize